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 It's
been said that when you marry, you begin to see a whole
other side to your partner. Suddenly, it seems, the person
you fell in love with has become a different person.
Insecurities you never knew existed in your spouse surface
more frequently as the reality of your new marriage sets in.
All newlyweds experience this in varying degrees. But what
happens when your spouse is an adult child of an alcoholic?
How do you learn to cope with all of his/her baggage?
I dated my wife, Vanessa, for almost
three years before we got married. We thought we knew each
other inside and out. Though we expected to go through the
typical changes during our first couple of years of marriage
-- adjusting to each other's habits, learning to work
together as a team and coping with in-laws -- we both
realized that other factors were surfacing. My wife knew
well of my mother's alcoholism. Though I had gone to
counseling many times over the years, many of the
insecurities related to her drinking came back after we were
married. Defensiveness, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem
and distrust were all traits my new bride and I faced in the
following months after our marriage.
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Adult children of alcoholics display
these and other behaviors such as an inability to cope with
change, a need to control people and situations, an
inability to follow through with projects and a constant
need for affirmation and approval. Driving this is a fear
that when we marry we’ll follow the same destructive path as
our parents. As children, we either learn to model the
destructive behavior of our alcoholic parent or try our best
not to become the person who caused us so much pain.
These issues bear a heavy weight on how we see ourselves and
others. Because we could not control our parent's drinking
we felt powerless to control much of anything. So we tried
to become the perfect child. Over time, we developed into
individuals who have such impossibly high standards for
ourselves that we often became our own worst enemies,
constantly judging and beating ourselves up for things we
can’t help. We either become aggressively responsible or
completely irresponsible. Eventually, many of these traits
spill over later into adult relationships and marriage and
the person who suffers the most is usually the spouse.
If this sounds like your husband then you're not alone. It’s
estimated that close to 28 million Americans grew up with at
least one alcoholic parent. Groups such as Al-Anon
and Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service
Organization are found on the Web and are good starting
points in learning how to deal with these issues together.
The first step is for him to realize and admit that he needs
help. This will be no easy feat. Just like his alcoholic
parent, he cannot be forced to acknowledge this. He has to
discover it on his own. Until he does, try to be patient
with him. Let him know that you’re available to talk when he
needs you. His lack of trust is the root of the problem.
Learning how to talk to you about his issues through
counseling and support groups will help your husband develop
the sense of trust he lost as a child.
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